We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
