4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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