saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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