Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
