I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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