she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
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I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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