at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
