i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
