Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
