You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
