I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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