3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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