he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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