Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
