She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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