i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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