The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
