Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
