were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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