one two three fourrrrnication!
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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