1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
