I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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