the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
