seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
