You're so nebulous sometimes
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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