I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
how drunk are you?
Several
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
