You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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