I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
