9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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