You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
