trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
