today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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