getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i drank out of a bidet.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
