I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
