You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
