The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
