my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
