how hairy? two words: wookie tits
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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