I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
