haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
