I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
