i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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