you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
