Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
