this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
