So drunk its hurt
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I think my fart just growled at me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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