Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step