youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.