just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
