i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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