there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
