When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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