she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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