Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
