How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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