Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
