ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
