I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
