I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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